At age 28, a first time mom, I thought I knew it all. I thought motherhood would be easy. I thought it would be long days of fingerpainting, playing school, and rainbows. Of play dates and homemade cookies.
Now, at almost 33, a seasoned veteran of autism and special diets and special ed preschool…
I am waving the white flag.
It’s hard.
It’s harder than having a six week old, a c-section recovery, and your father dying. Yea, that was me a few weeks after the above picture was taken in October 2007.
It’s harder than that.
Some days, I can’t do it.
I turn on Word World for the boys and cry in the bathroom. There, I admit it, internets. Sometimes, I cry in my bathroom while I medicate my sons with PBS television.
Some say you need a village to raise a child?
I need the army, navy, and marines to come in here and get these two wild boys potty-trained. In the words of Sir Monkey, “I don’t go no potty! I love my diaper!”
Ironically, I wrote on potty-training tips, when we had some progress…
After 5 years of wiping boy parts and butts, I’m done. Especially now, that Moose’s special ed preschool allowed only paper diapers. Man, are they pricey!
I miss my hippie ways. And cute camo diapers.
Sigh.
{Look at those fat Moose legs}
Sure, there are the sunny sides. Like when Moose speaks his first sentence at age 4.5. Or when Monkey charms us with his British dialect ala Thomas the Tank Engine. Fizzling Fireboxes! Bust my buffers!
Lately, it’s been tough. Real tough.
It’s like aliens have abducted my children and replaced them with photocopies who look like my kids, but are secretly, their evil twins.
Perhaps it was that Venus eclipse? The full moon?
Moose refuses to fall asleep for hours after we tuck him in. Jumping and screaming and running in circles. We resort to melatonin to help him calm down at night.
Monkey refuses to wear summer shoes, and is stinking up the joint with his boy foot stank. Rainboots, clearly, are suitable footwear for humid 90 degree Chicago summers.
Monkey isn’t having any part of errands, “I don’t go no Target! I don’t go no Whole Foods! I don’t go no Trader Joe’s!” Then, cue the bloodcurdling scream that leaves little old ladies running for the nearest exit.
I love my boys to the moon and back, but I need a break in a major way.
Like a hotel. Alone. 12+ hours of sleep. It will happen this summer.
{a brief glimpse of bliss at Autism One, while I was at the hotel one evening}
So, like the great Donald, I’ve fired myself as a SAHM. As of today.
I’m now treating both this site, and The Classroom Creative as REAL JOBS. Writer. Creative. Soon to be etsy shoppe owner of Touch Blue Designs.
I’m now officially, a work-at-home mom, well, a mom who works better alone at coffee shoppes.
I realize that when I am away from my kids a little, I’m a better, more present mom.
After pulling a 12+ hour stint with no naps ever with the boys, I’m alone at this computer for 8-midnight most nights. Blogging is more than projects and posts to me. It’s my only space that isn’t sticky, cluttered, and noisy.
Blogging is quiet, controlled, and peaceful. As my 2 year old should be at 2 p.m. each day like most boys his age, but isn’t…
How do you handle it all? Be honest. Keep it real in the comments…
I don’t handle it! I cherish those moments I can escape for a minute or 2 just to breathe and not have someone clambering on me or arguing with me over silly things. I do love getting to spend this time with my boys but it is so much more than ‘staying at home’, it is work, hard work!
I still don`t have kids, but I`m sure it`s very often like you have described. As much as it`s the most beautiful job in the world, at the same time it`s the most hard one. And I`m glad you were honest. Wishing you the biggest strength in the world!
Aleksandra
Oh yeah. I’m with you! My 4.5 year old is unbelievably active and wants my undivided attention – but so do my 11 year old and 19 year old….all for different reasons and always, ALWAYS at the same time. I’ve resorted to the shower cry on a few occasions. Mostly, I count to ten a lot in my head, breathe deeply, and try to remember that I am lucky to be here listening to all these people who want me so badly.
One thing that’s helped tremendously this year is that my husband has started taking them all over to my mother in law’s once a week in the daytime. Even a few hours of silence make a huge difference if you can swing it. Is there someone who could give you an afternoon once in a while so you can read or nap or just exist, undisturbed?
Yes. good lord yes. I work a full time job, then come home to three wonderful, amazing, hellions. They are 8, 7, and 5 and they have caused the two giant silver streaks of hair that have cropped up this year at each temple. When we play hide and seek in the apartment I hide in the bathtub and sneak chocolate chips in with me. When bedtime rolls around I fix myself a very stiff drink, or a beer, or a giant bowl of ice cream. Motherhood is murder. And it’s hard doing it alone, and I don’t even face the challenges you do on a daily basis.
We all struggle with this at some level. Balancing parenthood with retaining some sense of self. Everyone a generation older keeps saying “It gets better” so I repeat it to myself. “It gets better”…”It gets better”… And eventually? It will.
Right?
xo
I pour myself a glass of red wine at the end of every day. And sometimes cry. And sometimes I just close the door of the room I am in with my ten-month-old, lay down on the ground, clothes my eyes, and let him run wild. Usually after a few minutes of me ignoring him my head will clear, he will come over and crawl on me and try to make me laugh, and then, all of a sudden, I’ll be okay again. It is okay to give yourself space.
I cry and rant (my poor husband) and drink alcoholic beverages after the kids have gone to bed. I trade in the stressful public activities where much screaming and embarrassment usually occurs (i.e. storytime) in favor of playdates at the park. I give kids sand and water and bubbles and tons of toys in the backyard so I can have a few minutes of peace. I deal with the mess later–it’s worth it. I feel guilty and exhausted most of the time. That’s how I deal.
Your boys are so lucky to have you as their mom! Keep up the good fight. When they are 20+, they will thank you.
I am a mom of a challenging 10yr old girl and a very “regular” 8 yr old boy. They say it gets easier……not really. It just gets different. You trade stuff. Temper tantrums for hormonal shifts. Pee for a period (yikes). Screaming for intense rationalization of EVERYTHING (read arguing).
School has become very, very stressful for our daughter and so next year, she will be home. Learning her schooling here. God help me raise my child to be a functioning adult and keep me sane.
None of us can handle it all and those that say they can?? LYING! LOL I am a sahm of 5. I also homeschool. My kids are with me 24/7 and some days I want to run away from home. LOL The thing is you have to do what YOU have to do to get through each day and if that means sitting the kids in front of PBS for a while, then DO IT! Don’t let the holier-than-thou-my-kid-watches-no-TV moms get to you. They don’t walk in your shoes or live in your house.
My 5 year old? Not potty trained yet. Nope. Still in Pull-Ups. He refuses to do it and after potty training 4 others I know a few tricks. None of them have worked. But you know what? Big deal. One day he will decide he’s tired of it and that will be the first step.
So, anyway… Do what YOU feel YOU need to do and don’t let anyone else tell you different.
GOOD LUCK!! We moms need to stick together!
Hell to the yea. Stacy.
WOW, what a touching post. I am with you on running away from home.. I have a two year old bundle of love and madness.. lol.. It’s hard but I’m with ya and so are a million of us together cheering each other up.. : )).. LOVE this.. When you DO run away – can you stop in and pick up a buddy..? I’d hate for you to be out there alone..
)) I am stopping by to join your blog happily as a follower.. I’m Marilyn, co-host via summer blog party.. Very beautiful blog you have here.. So delighted to be joining in your fun.. I look forward to getting to know you 
) Wishing you a beautiful evening.. xo~ Marilyn http://www.theartsygirlconnection.com
Love this post, Nicolette
What do I do? I’m the Mom that does exactly what I shouldn’t and gives in to my kids so I don’t have to tackle the embarrassment or struggle one more time. I say yes when I should absolutely say no. Root Beer instead of milk? Here ya go, now leave the kitchen… If you hit your brother again we won’t go to the splash park later… ya, right. No, you don’t need your own pack of gunmat the check out stand and I know you’ll swallow half of it anyways, but, yes, yes, just grab one and hush. Yes, you’ve already watched TV today, but on it goes again so I can bang my head against the wall conjuring up dinner… Ugg. I pretend like I’m in control only to create a long term case of being out of control for myself. My boys are awesome and my husband is busy, but I need alone time in the fabric store WAY more often for sure! I’d be smart not to be awake at 1:00 a.m. on the computer, too! 
Thanks for a good confession session, hon. Blessings to you in carrying on.
Right on, Sister. My kids (one typical, one with all kinds of delays) got out of school two weeks ago. Know where they are now? Camp. Yup. I scheduled the summer out so there are only 4 weeks total when both of them are with me all ding-dong day. And those days will be scheduled with my girlfriends so we can decompress while the children run around.
I’m with you 100%. Exercise helps (I did Tae Kwon Do for a while until my knee got messed up and it was GREAT for working out my anger and depression!! I highly recommend punching something!!) and I plan at least two girls night outs a month. More if we can afford it. I try not to let money be a barrier to my sanity. I go out for coffee, or just get something to nibble on when we go out for dinner but I NEED to go out with my girls. And I have one friend group that have kids with special needs and it is so awesome to decompress with them. I don’t need to explain or feel bad about bitching. They totally get it. That is priceless.
I am also working on starting up an Etsy shop and love your part about needing something that is just yours and is quiet and peaceful. I can’t wait to see what you put up. I’ll definitely be buying something…
Great post.
Lisa in Atlanta
I’ll take u up on that, future customer, Lisa. I am poor. LOL.
Exercise. Yea. Does washing dishes count?
Good for you! I definitely need my “me” time, too. I hit the gym, or grab a coffee. I’ve been considering going back to work after summer vacation.
Love this post, and ache alongside you (though I don’t know you) in the tough parts of this. How can something so rewarding and amazing with people we love more than seems possible ALSO be the hardest, most challenging and consuming thing ever? (…she asked, while eating gelato from the carton.) Blogging and writing and just being alone in a quiet room helps clear my head and get me prepared for the times of full-on attention. I also do roller derby, which helps me have friends, a non-mommy space (though there are plenty of moms!) and gives me some physical release. I often feel like I require more me-time than my other mom friends, but I may just be more ready to admit it. Thanks for writing this and hope you can have that 12+ hour break soon.
gelato sounds good. damn, dairy hates me.
love your site, kiki…
It is hard, so very hard to raise a child with autism. My 9 year old did not potty train until 4.5 years old. My 4th child who was almost 2 years younger than him potty trained months before he did. But he did it, and yours will too. We were done with 3 kids, then the surprise came right as we were in the throws of therapy, problem solving, trying to figure out what the heck was going on with our son who was so different than our first 2 kids and trying desperately to get him to talk. It was so hard that I spent my days just trying to keep #3 from killing himself and when I collapsed into bed at night I couldn’t believe we had survived another day.
My 4th child’s first 2 years are a blur and I truly did not get to enjoy my last child’s baby and toddler phase. But now my son with autism is 9 and he doesn’t stop talking, is completely proficient in all things bathroom related and wrote a 4.5 page paper this year on a woman I have never heard of when the rest of the class wrote 1 paragraph. Most people that don’t know him well do not have a clue that he once never made a sound, threw fits in public, chased all strangers from our house with a stick and more. Life will get better. You are in the most difficult phase I think. Your hard work will pay off as your child improves. In the meantime take all the breaks you can so that you can give your son what he needs when you are there.
My heart goes out to you. How do I “deal”? How do I deal with boy energy of my 3 boys (age 5, 5, and 10)? How have I dealt with mothering twin boys plus one? I have learned to just take the hits and keep on rolling. Like on Friday I literally got hit in the back of the head (real hard) with a flying hockey puck while standing in my driveway chatting with a neighbor. At least it didn’t hit the neighbor! Later that day I stepped out of the house into the garage in bare feet, and my foot came down (hard) on someones razor scooter left lying right there to trip me. I cursed and screamed and started throwing stuff around the garage until my 10 year old saved me and calmed me down. All this happens while husband is at work. I’m on my own with all 3 boys for three 12 hour days in a row when he works, and there’s certainly no naps involved. Us moms are made of tough stuff – we are made to go the distance. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t let yourself get so run down you can’t cope anymore. AFter the boys go to bed I just sit and watch real housewives and won’t talk to anyone or do anything. That’s one way I cope. The other is my trusted buddy of alcoholic beverages, dispensed as needed.
Hi Nicolette, nice to meet you. My days of raising little ones of my own are over. I am 55 years of age. But I am a grandma, and my divorced daughter is living now with us, along with her two boys, 9 and 10. My husband and I have never seen that “empty nest syndrome” we keep hearing about. No! And so my days are still filled with boys arguing, their mama yelling at them, toys scattered around the house and yard… And, incidentally, my husband has come close to killing himself a few times on the count of littered toys. Sigh!
But having one of my three children still living with us serves to remind me that I am glad I only had three. This does not mean at all that I do not love them, because I do! So blogging is my only way of escaping all the good and bad chaos that comes with living with family members.
I am glad to hear that you are taking a leave of absence here from SAHM. Sometimes it is essential to do so. Now I wish I could find a way to follow your lead.
Great post! (I came because Jenna Hatfield Featured your post.)
~Virginia
I soo sooo understand. I love my daughter more than anything but she is such a handful! She hasn’t napped since she was 18 months old and has no desire to potty train. she jumps twirls scream and throws things to get through her day. I just started a new job and daycare doesnt know what to do with her. I worry about her all the time as she has no concept of danger and will run into the street or parking lot.
I run away..kind of. When my hubby gets home i go to walmart or the grocery store. I take my time and just walk around. It’s not much, but it helps. I also fly my mom in every couple of months and take a day off while she watches my munchkin.
I feel ya! You know, I think I have had maybe 3 or 4 magical days where everything was in order and a warm steamy beautiful dinner was on the table at 5pm. And maybe even a few more where my 16 month old son woke up from his nap with a smile instead of a whine. But, besides those beautiful rare exceptions – SAHMotherhood has been difficult and more often simply exhausting.
I think it has been three days now since I’ve showered, my son has whined almost non-stop all day long today. I’m still in my jammies. The clutter is taking over my house. And this is unfortunately how most days go. It is a never-ending battle.
From one struggling mom to another, here is my advice. Take it or leave it! I have found that the days I am happiest and deal with the chaos best I was able to do one or several of these six things:
1. Get a good nights rest.
2. Get out of the house and see some sun.
3. Exercise, even if only for 20-30 minutes.
4. Take a shower and fix my hair.
5. Talk with a friend/husband for a good hour or more.
6. Keep a prayer in my heart throughout the day.
Remember – the magic of motherhood is in moments. They are small and fleeting. Try to cherish them when they happen, messes and exhaustion and all.
They’ll be grown before you know it.
Right there with you! Being a SAHM is a *tough* job! Especially when babies aren’t sleeping. Whenever I feel like I finally have the hang of things something new throws me for a loop. I was crazy enough to think I could run a farm, homeschool and blog as a SAHM… I’m struggling, too.
Do what you love and what keeps you sane. All that really matters is that those boys have a great mama who loves them. Praying for you! Good luck!