I made fat babies with my boobs alone.
I cloth-diapered.
I made homemade baby food, and when I didn’t,
I bought the organic stuff in glass, because plastic scares me.
I spent hours lamenting over BPA in bottles and finding the perfect stroller.
Moose was only allowed to touch wooden toys.
I read to him in utero.
I look back at those first two years fondly.
Despite the sleep-deprivation, the pursuit of perfection in all things mother,
it was, in essence,
my honeymoon period.
The day the early intervention team left my house in October 2009,
my life changed.
I was now mothering off the grid.
I knew it was autism.
All I knew of autism was the kids from my teaching days.
There were 3 children total in the 3 schools I worked at over the course of my career.
3.
and Jenny McCarthy, didn’t she have a son with that?
Everyone in my family said, “He’ll be fine”.
but I knew, fine would be years away.
Something in his eyes had changed.
He didn’t hear me call his name.
He withdrew.
He didn’t play anymore.
He threw toys and squawked.
And the diarrhea.
Oh the freaking diarrhea.
That’s what started it all.
I knew it was more than a speech regression and delay.
Now, my worries are different.
Instead of college funds, we talk of trust funds for special needs.
Instead of park district classes with neighborhood friends, we drive to therapy.
Each day, I wake, and hope today
will be the day
he will put on his own shoes
pour his own hemp milk
write his name
want to color
hold a crayon
go on the potty
tell me the words I’ve been dying to hear,
“I love you, mama”.
It’s so hard to take your own ego out
of raising your child.
He does say “I love you” when he presses his forehead on my lips.
I know that’s his way.
I hope by some miracle, he is recovered.
Because, I will continue to fight for these kids.
For these families.
Broke.
Tired.
God gave me this grace, and I will use my voice.
In a few years, I really want to start a non-profit that actually
helps families with the day-to-day struggles.
The bills.
The insurance battles.
The therapy go-round.
The laundry.
Autism isn’t a pretty place most of the time.
It’s shit on the walls.
It’s doctors telling you there’s no hope.
It’s doctors not taking insurance and spending $1000s on supplements
not covered by insurance.
It’s special food and long hours in the kitchen.
It’s nights spent on the internet gleaning through muck to find a diamond.
But my boy.
He is an angel.
A message.
My heart.
What a beautiful little boy! He looks so dapper in his tie shirt. You are such a wonderful writer and through your beautiful words you will help so many people who are facing the same trials as you. The non-profit is a great idea and maybe because you write so eloquently, you should write a book to share experiences and tips. Blessings to you and your family!
He is an angel…xo
I must admit I really don’t know much about autism, but your words really do give a glimpse as to what you are dealing with. I wish I had some magic words to make things better, but I’m sure you are making things better for others, by being honest about it here.
Big hugs to you both
Nicolette,you are such a smart, beautiful, mother, person, Wife. Both your son’s are so very lucky to have you. I think you are truly amazing!!! I am speechless.
Many Hugs and prayers,
Anne
He is a ANGEL!
~Mrs. Delightful
ourdelightfulhome.blogspot.com
Nicolette, I know it’s probably the hardest thing you ever have done and will do it your life, but you must know that Moose is insanely lucky to have you as a Momma. I’m not sure I know anyone who would/could put up as big of a fight as you have. I’m not sure what’s in the future for our little guy, but I know that if my fears come true, I can look to you for strength. You are a HUGE inspiration.
I think that for anyone of us who is there or has been there, you have such a beautiful way to write what we have been through. I don’t know how many time I have marveled at how you do it. Thanks again for another sweet read.
He is an angel! And go after your dream to start a non-profit organization…I can tell you can do it… Now that you’ve put it out to the universe…it’s gonna happen
Jo-Anna
I really really believe by putting your dreams out to the universe something amazing will happen…
Jo-Anna
He’s beautiful and I know one day you will start that non-profit!
Kelly
Nicolette: You are a beautiful writer.