I watched a documentary on Gloria Steinem tonight, and it got me thinking about my idealistic 20s and gender roles and money and career and staying at home to raise my kids.
Flashback to earlier today, I cleaned up diarrhea for over five hours.
I am bone-tired.
I am a mother on autopilot.
Somedays, I don’t think my husband gets how damn hard this job is.
I love my kids, but sometimes I remember how much easier life was when I just had a job.
Being a mom is hard.
Being a mom to a kid with autism and a defiant two year old with a red ass and runny diarrhea is another story.
Some mornings while I am making the 100th meal from scratch that week, I envision me in a smart work suit. Waiting for my nanny to arrive. With freshly washed hair and makeup applied, out to door to make big decisions and bring home a fat paycheck and pound out glass ceiling and save the whales.
Wait, that fantasy stops short because I was an underpaid Chicago teacher.
I think, hell, it might be easier to “work outside the home” than “work inside the home”.
Is it?
A friend of mine confessed to me, that at the end of her maternity leave, she was relieved to be going back to the office. “I can breathe there,” she said. “I can eat lunch in peace.”
I’ve been home over four years now. Where my career stands is seems as distant as my sons both being potty-trained.
My sense of self, “Nicolette”…is too busy washing dishes and putting away clothes and making doctor’s appointments and mixing supplements…
My eyebrows haven’t been plucked in weeks.
My hair hasn’t been cut since May? April? I’ve lost count.
My work clothes are tucked away in a trunk, because my uniform these days is jeans or yoga pants.
By the time I unpack said work clothes, I may as well rat my hair and bust out the shoulder pads.
Today, I eschewed my perfect Martha Stewart meal plan and made homemade from scratch waffles for dinner given that we have all of these food issues because I couldn’t get to the store because of the whole defiant two year old with diarrhea thing and the husband had a work dinner and
somedays I wish I could just hit a damn drive-thru
or order a pizza
take the night off
but I don’t have that option.
somedays, I just give up.
I am just tired.
So damn tired.
Oh hun, I’m with you! I never realised just how hard it is being a SAHM, I’m not ungrateful, just tired! When I think of the things I achieved at work I wonder how on earth I can’t get my twins to eat their lunch!
But its all worth it, wouldn’t change it for anything.
Hope you get some rest soon!
Have you been peeking in my windows? You just described my life
Actually, my kids are a bit older now, so they have to clean up their own diarrhea (lots of fodder for the tell-all book they’ll write in 10 years). This week the three boys took turns with asthma attacks and a sinus infection, while the hubby took a vaca in Las Vegas with a high school friend. Oh, and I think I have a herniated disk in my back. Can it get any better? Got “friended” by an old HS buddy myself this week, and I briefly considered going into my FB page and uploading lots of photos of myself looking skinny and successful… but I don’t have any of those, so the fantasy bubble popped pretty darn quick. Then I got out the cereal to have for dinner. Best of luck to you…. they won’t be sick and little forever 
Someday it will be our turn to jet off to Vegas!
I work outside the home and most days I wish I was AT home doing these things over being away from them. But I can understand the frustration doing it all alone. Though I’m seriously debating leaving my job (graphic designer, isn’t as glamorous as it sounds!) to do in-home daycare…hmmm. Good luck!!! You’re doing an amazing thing for them by cooking the way that you do. KUDOS!!!!!
You are good company, promise.
There are a million of us out there in similar, if not identical, situations and that our cumulative bone-tiredness gives us all some common ground. Hang in there. Life will ease up…eventually.
You are not alone…don’t worry. Sometimes we just need to vent, but remember what you are doing is THE most important thing you can do. Raising your little ones and being there for them will literally change their world. Never forget that. You matter and what you are doing matters, although it may not be glamorous or always fun…it DOES matter:>
I know the working world sounds so much more glamorous, but working full time with an autistic child is no picnic…so don’t worry that your missing out. At the end of your 10 hour workday, there is still everything from scratch that has to be made, piles of dishes to wash, laundry, etc. The biggest difference is that you NEVER get to see your child. If you have a wonderful mother-inlaw, like I do, she will takes lots of photos of all the things you miss, so you can be reminded of what you are missing. I was gone from 7:30 am till 6:30 pm five days a week for three and a half years. It was heartbreaking to be away my kid that much. I’ll take poop over that any day. And why not make it glamourous…get a great french manicure and then your can look at your pretty nails while wiping poo.
My sister who is on her feet all day as a nurse practitioner was so happy to be able to go back to work, because it was easier both mentally and physically than staying home with her 3 kids, 2 of which have developmental delays. Her husband stays home now.
You have one of the toughest jobs out there. Just keep plugging away, because in the end it’s one of the most rewarding jobs, too.
They’ll grow and your kid will get better and you’ll be so proud of what you did for them and of what they accomplish.
Try asking a close relative to take care of them for one morning or afternoon so that you can have some time for yourself.