Twas the Night Before Preschool…

August 8, 2011 By 5 Comments

and all through the estate, Momnivore was planning to stay up extremely late

The school supplies were labeled and lunches were made…
And deep down inside she was deathly afraid…

But on a serious note…

Moose is headed to PreK tomorrow.  He was accepted into a 5 day a week year round special ed program. We received the acceptance letter in middle of July, and I could only register him last week as his school is under massive construction.

I refused bus service and will take him directly to school each day.  How could I put him on a bus when he doesn’t talk???

There’s a part of me, so deeply scared because he can’t communicate what happens at school.  As a former Chicago school teacher, I’ve seen my fair share of scary stuff.  {This is why I kept his out of the transitional program at age 2.5}

I’m trying not to play the what ifs in my head.  To trust that the teacher and her aides will keep judicious tabs on his diet and his love of mouthing small chokable objects.   To hope that other kids don’t bully and hit or bite or tease or gah.  I will just stop and let it be.

Back when he was a wee little Mooselet, when I daydreamed of his first day of school:
I thought he’d be thrilled to pick out his backpack with some obnoxious superhero on it.  
He’d be so excited he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep the night before. 
He’d draw a picture for his new teacher. 
We would read Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney and have a deep philosophical discussion about compulsory schooling and the funding crisis ensuing public education.
Moose would wear his big boy underpants underneath his pressed khakis and tell his little brother Monkey, “One day, Monkey, you’ll get to go to big boy school just like me.”
His lunch would consist of PBJ and milk.  He would already be reading, just like I was at age 4, and would make a ton of friends and have a ton of play dates and life would be peachy.
I would cry tears of “where the hell did the time go” 
as the teacher shut the door and 
left me in the parking lot.
Well that fantasy hit the proverbial fan when the big bad autism entered our lives at age 2.
I’m not sure Moose knows he’s even going to school tomorrow.
He didn’t pick out his backpack.
He’s not potty-trained.
He doesn’t answer questions like “How old are you?” and “What’s your name?”
And I’ve realized like everything else in life,
sometimes, things don’t go as planned.
You can plan for the “perfect child”, but then you realize
there is no such thing.
Moose, you have given me a new mission in life.
You have given me a new lease on my own health.
So tomorrow, without the ease of words and communicating your thoughts,
you begin school.
I will fight for you.
I will be your advocate.
But most of all dear son, I love you for all that you are and all the you will become, 
regardless if you never have the words and never wear big boy underpants and 
if your mother’s selfish and grandiose fantasies of your first day of school 
don’t quite align with what will be and is.
We were chosen to look at life through a different lens.
And if all else fails…I will just rock out like Pioneer Woman 
homeschool
move to California 
and live in a bubble.
After all, I do have this fancy MEd degree that’s collecting dust.
Amen.

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Filed Under: motherhood

Comments

  1. jessicaclarke says:
    August 8, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Great post, hope he has an awesome first day!

    Reply
  2. Preppy Pink Crocodile says:
    August 8, 2011 at 5:03 am

    This was a truly beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  3. calikas says:
    August 8, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    love that adorable picture of Moose as a baby and the boston. so cute.

    Reply
  4. Krista says:
    August 9, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Aw, what a bittersweet moment. That baby picture is so adorable. I hope he does well — and you do, too!

    Reply
  5. Becky says:
    August 12, 2011 at 2:19 am

    You did a great job coming full circle in this post. It’s almost like it’s your 1st day of school all over again. You are the perfect advocate for Moose, and he will be very successful in this school you have chosen for him. Otherwise, I miss California and would love to read about your adventures there ;)

    Reply

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